Yarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! I almost forgot in me ol years, tis international talk like a pirate day today. So avast t’ ye all and walk the plank unless ye speak like a matey til t’ yonder sun goes t’ Davey Jones Locker!
http://www.talklikeapirate.com/
Cap’n Gary
So it’s Saturday morning and I’m sitting on my pc, drinking a can of cherry 7up (yes, I didn’t know such a thing existed either- but it’s very nice) and thinking what I can do for half an hour or so while the rest of the family is running about the house getting changed and stuff. Then I remembered that Peter “hated by society” Chapman had finally got around to linking this blog onto the front page of his site. He’d only promised to do this about 6 months ago. Anyway, part of the deal was that I actually bother to write something in the blog, as I haven’t for some time!
And I should reactive this blog really. I’ve an exciting* new show starting soon and a blog is a wonderful means of self promotion. (*not guaranteed)
I’ve been looking through the news to see what’s happening in the world and it seems the latest panic is over e-coli. After all, we need something to panic about and swine flu seems to have not been quite the disaster all the media was hoping it would be (although we are frequently warned that it will come back stronger and kill us all). Because of one farm not being closed quickly enough, we’re being told this morning that children under 5 shouldn’t touch animals in petting zoos.
Hold on a mo- what is the point of a petting zoo if under 5s aren’t allowed to touch the animals?! By the time a kid hits 5, they’re no longer into such things as they’ve got video games, MTV and various hallucinogenic drugs to play with instead. And adults (in particular the Welsh) get some very very funny looks if they go into petting zoos without an accompanying child.
Also, if we don’t let under 5s into petting zoos, they won’t get bitten by a pig / goat / sheep /llama and therefore won’t have that bad experience with an animal. And what happens to children who don’t have a bad experience with an animal? Yes, they become vegetarian. Surely an outbreak of vegetarianism is far worse than an outbreak of e-coli?
For the record, I think it was my brother who got nearly eaten by a lion (which I’m told my dad punched) and my sister who got her raincoat half eaten by a pig. And did they end up as veggies? No! I rest my case.
So take your under 5s to a petting zoo today. Or if you don’t have an under 5, borrow one from a negligent mother who won’t realise until the middle of next week.
Gary
Well, last night was the first broadcasting of my new show “Late Night Luton”. What a fucking disaster! This show will be consigned to the depths of hell and only spoken about in hushed circles! The levels came out wrong, the feature died horrifically and the contributers were somewhat few and far between. But as promosed, here are the show notes!
Things kicked off with me putting out a triple header of topics:
1) Geoff Lloyd was listening to my test broadcast on Allan Lake’s station last week! Only 5 minutes of it, but listening all the same. This hence inspired the following topic: Are you a celeb, or if not, complete the following: “I’m a little bit of a celeb because…”. My own example was that I’d once got my name on teletext during the teletext quiz!
2) Odd places you’ve fallen asleep. Inspired by my youngest daughter who fell asleep in a swimming pool last week (without drowning thankfully)
3) If you were a food, what would you be and why- for every set of topics needs an easy one for everyone to phone in on.
I did then get a couple of calls- Christopher from West Wickham said he’s be a passion fruit as he likes to get passionate with men. (that may not have been a real caller actually). And Dane Bowers called up- it was hard to understand what he was saying, but I think I gathered he’d fallen asleep at a bus stop and if he were a food would be a pie! Again=- may not have been a real caller…
I then put out an appeal to the listener- is anyone willing to have their hair cut in a small mobile hairdressers on the A6 between Barton-le-Clay and Luton. No takers as of yet on that one but I stand by my word- if someone does it I’ll buy them a portion of chips.
I then moved onto the feature that could make or break the show: “Will you be my friend”. And if failed!!! The idea was a simple one- call people who’d set their status to “Skype Me!” and turn them into a listener. But nobody picked up, despite several attempts. So it was 10-15 minutes of me waiting for people to pick up a phone. Bad bad radio!
Then came Bleep Libel- I’d heard a rumour about Micheal Jackson and wanted people to guess what it would be. Lucky for me nobody took part so nobody got libelled!!! We then moved onto a desperate feature- calling Peter Chapman for a chat (yes, that’s desperation). He had the idea that I could pretend to be a paedophile and get angry people to call the show.
Thankfully then after a couple of songs 2 hours was over. Next week will be different!!! Or I’ll keep going until it gets different- I dunno.
Hello friendly blog readers (if there’s any left, for you see I haven’t blogged for a while!)
I might as well get the plug out of the way now because not everyone reads to the bottom of a blog. I bloddy wouldn’t that’s for sure.
I have a weekly radio slot starting Thursday 13th August!
That’s my way of saying listen. Please. As I’ve told a bit of a half truth when i said radio. Because it’s internet radio. Now, internet radio does have some major advantages over normal (FM/AM/DAB et al) radio in that it’s unregulated. Yes, an OFCOM free zone. Presenters (I got told off by the last person I called a ‘dj’) on these traditional mediums have to be careful not to say very bad words (a trap I’m sure I would fall into. Over and over again in fact- it’s almost like touretts at times with me), not to plug products excessively (e-ciggy anyone?) and play news on the hour. As well as stick to a playlist. Urgh. On internet radio one doesn’t have these pressures. Well, one does depending on who’s actually in charge of the internet station I suppose- an internet station playing classical music is probably not going to want no Dizzie Rascal or whoever the hell he is.
Again, I got lucky on this front as I’ve signed up with a fairly new and small and crap station where the restrictions seem to be as follows:
-Play the jingle with the station name on it every now and then (I guess once an hour should suffice)
-Please try not to be too racist or libellous and keep the promotion of crimimal activity to a minimum. If possible.
Besides that, I have freedom! My playlist (he’s shelled out for PRS so I’m fine there), my topics and my features! And no news on the hour. Or travel. Unless I want travel. Do I want travel?
So, if internet radio is so good, why isn’t every station in the country switching over to it? Oh, there’s the minor issue of a lack of listeners. Serious lack of listeners. Hence this blog post- if I want to do a decent show I’ll need people to call and e-mail. Trouble is, the quality of content won’t be so good if there’s say 2 listeners (before anyone says it, my mum and dad are on holiday)
So, if you’re around tomorrow, do point your interweb to http://magnumradio.net and listen in- 9pm-11pm UK time. Which is GMT+ or - 1 at the moment since the clocks went forward or back. I dunno, I’m very UK centric with these things and couldn’t possibly tell you what time my show will air in China. Although rumour has it the pwers that be there have been tipped off about me and will be blocking access to the site. Commie Bastards.
Now, I suppose it would be quite silly of me to say this without indicating what will actually be on said show. Because I could be broadcasting 2 hours of gang rape (don’t worry, I’m told that’s Monday nights). Well, it going to be a talk based show, but with a reasonable amount of music- if I get no callers then quite a lot of music actually. And some crying. I’ve also got a small number of features lined up- for anyone unlucky enough to hear my test hour on Allan Lake, I’m pleased to announce another shot at ‘Bleep Libel’. And there’s my make-or-break feature who’s name I’m not disclosing yet. But it’s got the capicity to not work at all or sound quite shit and leave me with a large schedule gap. However, if it goes well then it’ll be radio gold. Trust me! Although I’m not sure it’s completly legal so that could also be an issue.
Now, if you can’t listen (you’d better be on holiday in China!) fear not. I’m hopefully going to podcast it if I can figure out how. Or get someone (Mr P Chapman) to do it for me. And if you prefer a visual slant on the show then you can be happy in knowing that I’ll be putting show notes up here- summarising just how badly it all went.
Anyway, to repeat the message: http://magnumradio.net this Thursday and every Thursday 9pm-11pm. See you there.
By the way, negoations are ongoing with allanlake.co.uk with regard to me also doing a show there. Although they stalled slightly after I didn’t tell him that I’m doing a show that goes up against his own show and some wanker (Fat Sam) told him on air the other day. And Chappers really really hates them and probably won’t help with my podcast if I went there. Gah! Politics!
Ho ho ho! I looked in the news today and found that our leader bloke, Tony Blair, or whoever it is now, is going to do voluntary work during his holiday!
Now, I think it’s a disgrace that MPs get a holiday anyway. I mean, we elected them to lead us. Surely we can’t look after ourselves for many months? Does god take a holiday? Well, maybe he does. “Jesus, take over for a couple of weeks, here’s the prayers that need answering and could you flood the following houses…” But I doubt it.
But anyway, Gordon “I’m a fuckwit because I thought scrapping the 10p tax band was a good idea and nobody would notice that I was actually taxing poor people more and giving tit too the rich, which is the exact opposite of what a Labour Government would normally do” Brown is going to spend some of his holiday doing voluntary work up in his constituency of Kirkcaldy (it’s slightly north of York I think).
We’re in the middle of the shittiest economic shit (it’s so shit that I can’t even afford any adjectives) ever and he’s going up to some remote part of Scotland to plant some fucking trees?! That’s sending out totally the wrong message- he should be doing some very expensive after dinner speaking or something- anything that’ll result in more money going round the economy. Playing basketball with a load of retarded kids isn’t going to get us out of this mess!
What if all the other jobless saddos decide to follow suit and go in charity shops? What will the old ladies who normally work there do when they’re told that now skilled labour is available, they’re no longer needed to work the till? They’ll sit at home and piss themselves, that’s what!
It said No 10 had been reluctant to confirm this for fear it might be seen as a publicity stunt.
I say that the fact he’s doing it makes it a publicity stunt. I mean come on- did he really think that nobody would find out? Damn you new Labour and your spinning machine! It would be like the pope going out to the local pub for a quick joint. Someone will notice! (poor old bugger could probably do with some of the wacky baccy or medicinal purposes)
Anyway, I shall wait with baited breath to see exactly what he does- because despite it being private, I’m sure we’ll find out. And maybe when he’s done he could pop down to Southampton to have a look at Luton’s Margaret Moron’s dry rot and see if it needs a lick of paint (yes, I’ve never treated dry rot, but I’m sure that paint’ll sort it right?)
Anyway, just to prove I’m of no political leaning (I fucking hate everybody!) I’ll have a quick pop at David Cameron for saying “twat” on the radio. How dare he use such a lower class term! That’s my term- fucking twat! He’s a posh boy- he probably hasn’t used the word before in his life- I’d wager Lord Mayor Boris had heard someone call him it while pratting around the streets of London and then him and David had a giggle looking it up in the dictionary. (oh, to be young again- I remember when I first found out what a lesbian was)
Nick Clegg should think himself lucky that I get tired beyond 500 words. Goodnight!
The day that Gary, Chappers and TGBF met up.
There may be some of you wondering why this blog seems to have stopped over the past week or so. Well, put simply I’ve been really bloody busy! But then I realised if I’ve been doing quite a lot, I can write a little bit about it and maybe make some people laugh. Well, I’ll settle for smile.
Let’s see… I’ve had a poker night which sadly included the worst kind of player- a poker retard on a lucky streak! (thankfully play was not for money- one loses too many friends that way). Honestly, a small group of ladies (it has to be a lady who is a poker retard) raising all over the bloody place coupled with some very very strong rum. It’s a recipe for disaster.
I also went to an indoor beach. Possibly the stupidest idea ever that one. Note to Milton Keynes council (or whoever is responsible). Your germ ridden sand pit is not a beach. Yes, you’ve thrown some cheap buckets and spades around and stolen some deckchairs from somewhere but as it’s only a few inches deep, there’s no sunshine getting in and there’s no sea, it’s not a beach. Oh and why did you get Heart to sponsor it? Haven’t you seen their awful adverts? Or listened to their tired old music station?
I also managed a trip to a local farm this week. One of those open farms who’s sole ambition is to bleed the public dry of their money and maybe have a few animals to look at as well. Although I’d be interested in where one draws the line between a farm and a zoo. They had Alpacas- not a traditional farm animal I think you’ll find. (although CBeebies viewers will know that they can show up anywhere…) They also had a walking inflatable man who threw out sweets. I bet Glitter wishes he’d thought of that one. Actually kudos to them- I managed to lose my umbrella in the park and came back next day to ask if they’d found it. And bless them, they handed me a brolly that fitted the description. I don’t think it’s my brolly, but seeing as that’s all they had and it looks a similar size and colour but better quality, I’ll keep it for now. Some stupid sod probably walked off with mine and left it.
Actually, it was a bit fooliosh to do that immediately after going to church. Now it’ll be ages before I get absolved of that sin.
Actually that does bring me onto a side note (every post needs at least a few) and that is that we were told today that from now on, Holy Communion will consist of bread only (for those heathens amongst you, it’s normally bread and wine) to help prevent the spread of swine flu. Clearly the church in this country is seriously lacking faith- holy communion is a very religious activity taking place in a church- do you really think that god is going to consider that a good time to give everyone swine flu?! I’ve a good mind to stop going to church. The wine was one of the few things keeping me there…
Anyway, back on topic (well, there is a topic here somewhere)I also had a job interview which I’ll stray well well away from in case they somehow google this blog. And I went down to Kent on that new 140mph train they’re running from St Pancras. Bluewater shopping centre has never been so accessible to Lutonians before. Which in fairness is probably bad news for the Bluewater community and Kent in general. Ho hum.
And to top it all off a certain Mr Chapman introduced me to a game called Plants vs Zombies. That’s taken away a sizeable part of the past week as well- I recommend downloading the trial version. And if you ike it, download Bittorrent and get the full one illegally the full game for something like £14.99.
And I think that’s the highlights of my week that are worth blogging about. Well, they probably weren’t, but I have anyway. Maybe sometime later in life I’ll comment on some wonderful news items in my usual way. The whole Jude Law thing looks tempting actually- don’t these very very rich celebs know rule one to not losing your fortune is to use a bloody condom? Well, not a bloody one, that’s just going to spread HIV and then get them in more trouble.
Do you ever get the feeling you should have stopped typing 2 minutes ago?
Available from all good sex shops.
Don’t run away- at least, not for a minute. I haven’t got the swine flu. And you can’t catch it by reading this blog (this assumes you are not reading this blog in an Internet cafe next to someone sneezing and coughing a lot)
My long suffering wife however has. Well… that’s a half truth. My long suffering other half might have it and has been prescribed Tamiflu by the new online flu pandemic service launched yesterday. And hence yours truly was dispatched down to Watford (grim place full of ring roads and Watford fans) to the town hall which is the ‘local’ (I use that term very loosely) dispensing point for Luton. Well… there’s also Bedford and Welwyn Garden City but they’re not next to the motorway and therefore take so much longer. No, Welwyn fans, the A1(M) is NOT a motorway. It’s an A road with blue signage. And I stand by that.
But anyway, back to my wife and her online diagnosis. The missus, in my opinon anyway has a weak immune system. She’ll pick up a bad cold every couple of months and this one seemed no different. Sadly however this time there were 2 other factors.
1) We recently went to a ‘baby clinic’ at a local nursery. For those of you without children, it’s basically somewhere you bring your youngster into and they weigh it, prod it, ask you some questions and then tell you whether you in fact have brought the baby along, or whether you got confused and brought something else, such as a cactus. Anyway, I was stupid enough on the way out to read out loud the notice saying “this nursery has had 2 cases of swine flu. We are not closing but parents should…” which immediately resulted in “Will I get Swine Flu” from the missus. Sigh.
2) I was stupid enough to let my wife watch the news and use the Internet. And now she knows that everyone is getting it and we’re all going to die. Fucking media.
So, when my back was turned for a minute (I was probably playing Majora’s Mask or something) she’d got on the Internet and started answering questions about herself. Now I’ve had a look at the questions. The important one is have you at least 2 of the following symptoms and a list of flu symptoms follows. Looking at the list, I have at least 4 of these whenever I’ve had too much to drink the night before.
Then comes a load of questions just to check that giving you Tamiflu won’t kill you (are you pregnant, have you a dodgy ticker, are you gay) etc and providing you give common sense answers, you get a code which allows you to pick up Tamiflu. Well, you mustn’t- it’s got to be your ‘flu friend’. That’s me then.
Funnily enough, my Dad has had a nasty something since the weekend- so I phoned him and told him to give it a go as well. No surprise, he also qualified. Well, I might as well get some for the rest of Luton while I’m going.
This has got me thinking- given it is very very very easy to get this Tamiflu, why am I now having to go to a crowded room in Watford to get it? Wouldn’t it be easier to set up a few tables at Liverpool Street station for the middle of the morning peak and just hand it out merrily? Or a huge display at every post office with Tamiflu saying “please take one”? Or better still, have a plane fly over and carpet bomb the streets of each major town with box after box of the stuff? (although if we don’t have enough helicopters for the lads at war, we probably don’t have enough for this idea either).
Anyway, you get to the collection point and lo, you’re greeted by security. Yes, security. Don’t even think about trying to take a stock box of Tamiflu and putting it on eBay. No really, don’t, because it’s so easy to get anyway. I assume they’re also there to stop anyone sick looking getting in and infecting all the flu friends- the few survivors who haven’t got it (or a hangover) yet.
You then go in, sit around for an hour or so in a queue and eventually get seen and given your small box of 10 pills, along with a warning “the first couple might make them feel sick. But don’t tell them that”.
Anyway, the good news is that I thought ahead and brought some Nurofen for my dad and wife and placed them in the Tamiflu boxes. I therefore have 20 tablets for sale. What am I bid?
Yes- click play, it’s brilliant. But anyway…
I heard some shockingly bad news over Twitter today- the inhuman beasts that are Microsoft are going to make a version of Spotify! Yet theirs will no doubt be cold and heartless, made by people with money in mind instead of free music for all. And I bet it will force us all to upgrade to Vista or something. And…
And thankfully that’s not the topic of my blog today. It may explain why I’m coming across in more of a bad mood than normal though.
Nope, today I’m blogging about this story:
A couple with the same name who found each other through social networking website Facebook are to tie the knot.
Yes, I do love the freaks and weirdos on this blog and two sound like another fine example.
And I know what you might be thinking- same name? Does this mean it’s a same sex wedding? Well no, the people are Kelly Hildebrandt and of course Kelly Hildebrandt. One’s a male Kelly and one’s a female Kelly. Or there may have been a sex change involved, but they’re reported as being male and female, so that’s the assumption I’ll go with.
Anyway, in a gross misuse of facebook as you’re supposed to use it to keep in touch with people you actually know, Kelly Hildebrandt did a search for Kelly Hildebrandt and found a match. They then got talking over facebook, which somehow led to meeting up, casual sex (libel note- this is unconfirmed) and a proposal. Although they did need to check they weren’t related as neither of them are from Norfolk, thereby making marriages between close relatives illegal.
This does lead to one immediate thought. How fucking vain do you have to be that your ideal partner has to have the same name as you?!
Also, I can only imagine this could lead to loads of problems. Phone calls for one-
Hello can I speak to Kelly please?
Kelly Who?
Kelly Hildebrandt?
Which Kelly Hildebrandt…
And so on. And don’t get me started on the complications of opening each other’s post.
Anyway, in the name of research, I decided to give it a go and search for another Gary F Luton in Facebook, hoping that they would somehow be a female Gary and that they’d want to make sweet love to me. (I am looking at changing my name to that by deed poll, for anyone who’s questioning why I wouldn’t use my real surname). And alas, there was no Gary F Lutons. None. Bugger all. Looks like I’m stuck with the missus for a few years yet.
But anyway, I suppose I should at least wish these two strange strange namesakes the best of luck with their wedding- in the hope I get an invite (actually, could anybody please invite me anywhere? I’m socially bored at the moment. Really, I don’t care if it’s a gay Soho strip club) and can see the moment when the vicar says “Do you, Kelly Hindebrandt…” and they both answer.
Yes I’m easily pleased.
Look up.
No no, not there, that’s your ceiling. Or possibly the sky if you’re outside. Look up to the top of the page- there’s some tabs up there. My blogging software tells me they’re called pages.
Well, there’s a new one for you all- football leagues!
I’ve created a few mini leagues on the official premiership website (it looks official anyway) and now I’m inviting you all as readers of my blog to join me and try and beat me and each other at either a classic fantasy football league, a head to head fantasy football league or the premiership predictions game.
Click the page tab for more details. But hurry- places are limited. Although if they fill up, I could just make another league. But hurry up, the season starts at some point in August, unless it gets stopped because of the swine flu. Actually last time I checked, a football was made of a pig’s bladder so there’s every chance of it.
Actually, this is kind of making a rather bold statement that this blog will still be going at the end of the season. Wishful thinking, I know…
Not available in McDonalds.
I was going to maybe write a bit on Allan Lake today, but having listened to his show last night, he hasn’t actually changed at all since the absolute days, except he now plays “your mother’s got a penis”. So instead, I’ve found a story about knife crime. Well, it’s a crime that this story ever made the news anyway.
Sales of knives are increasingly plummeting in Britain, with more and more people using their hands to eat food like pizza.
Department store giant Debenhams has revealed that people have forgotten to eat with a knife and fork.
Debenhams bosses point out that even when people do arm themselves with cutlery, it is more often just a fork
When I first heard this news, it was on Radio 2. Yes, I really am getting old. Anyway, it has actually made the national news that sales of knives were down and this was causing retailers concern. Honestly, even the professional BBC newsreader was having to hold back the laughter, probably thinking like me “is this really what qualifies for news these days?!” But I did promise myself there and then that I would have to blog about it.
I will be the first to admit, I will sit down with a knife and fork, eat whatever the wife has cooked, or if I’ve cooked it, supernoodles, and will look at my knife and realise that actually, it’s still clean, totally unused. Although that’s probably a good thing as I have a terrible habit of eating off my knife when I do use it. My parents rightfully pointed out that one day I’ll stab my tongue of throat doing this but I’ve always been a fan of cheap nasty cutlery, so I’ve never had a knife sharp enough to actually do that to me. Thankfully.
Is this really a bad thing? Why does it matter that I haven’t used my knife? I have these things called teeth, and they do a damn fine job in half the time.
Also, I think Debenhams may actually have forgotten to consider 2 factors. Italians and puddings.
When have you ever seen spaghetti bolognaise eaten with a knife. Well, quite frequently actually. But it’s wrong- you get the fork, twirl the pasta on the spoon and eat it that way. No knife needed. And puddings- what sort of a freak uses a knife with their pudding?! Yet pudding forks are normal. Well, for people posher than me anyway- I use a spoon with cheesecake.
Anyway, bearing this in mind, maybe we should expect forks to be selling higher than knives. Damn you Debenhams. And it gets worse…
They have now launched a “civilised dining campaign” to help lure Brits back to the dining table and cutlery.
“Using both a knife and a fork to eat has held this country in good stead for centuries - it’s one of the mainstays of being British. It is all about maintaining standards,” the Daily Star quoted spokesman Ed Watson as saying.
“So we want to act now before the single fork habit becomes ingrained in the next generation,” he added.
Yes, we need to encourage youngsters to use knives. Although I’m sure the police force have been saying the exact opposite for years. But anyway, I eat fairly regularly in the Debenhams restaurant (the food is a bit less dried out than Tesco) and it’s only in the past year or so that they’ve started to do a range of… burgers. Actually they’re bloody nice, made with Aberdeen beef or something and a fine relish, cooked to order (that should be enough to stop the Debenhams lawyers from asking me to take this post down). Um, anyway, yes, burgers that I’m sure shouldn’t be eaten with a knife or fork. Hypocrites. I’ve a good mind to pop in there one lunchtime (although that’s more difficult since the bastards have started to close the Luton one on Sundays) and walk around the tables to check people are eating correctly, waving a knife threateningly at anyone who refuses to use one. Actually, on second thoughts…
So what have we learnt today. Hopefully nothing, although there’s a chance that after reading this, you’ll all go and use a knife, or at least go to Debenhams and buy a pack of them. If they haven’t already sold out that is- who knows what the power of this blog might be.
Anyway, I’m off to dig the garden with a knife. Until next time…